Clever Geek Handbook
3 January 2026

Conflict Management

Recommendation

Wanna fight? This book says you should and shows you how you can benefit from conflict. Author Baden Eunson clearly defines his topic and breaks it down into easily digestible components. He analyzes conflicts from various perspectives to show how they can evolve and build up strength. He explains how the involved parties can either gain from or succumb to the powers unleashed by conflict. BooksInShort recommends this highly understandable, practical guide to those who need help navigating through the minefield of conflict. And if you'd rather avoid a fight and work out your differences in a more controlled atmosphere, Eunson dedicates a good portion of the book to the negotiating process, so you can decide whether you prefer bare-knuckles warfare or a more civilized alternative.

Take-Aways

  • Conflict is an inherent part of personal relations. It can be either negative or positive.
  • Charles Darwin and Karl Marx pointed out that human evolution and class conflict can be the engines behind evolutionary and social progress.
  • The way you respond to conflict is indicative of your character.
  • Conflicts develop slowly, often starting as the result of small disagreements.
  • In some cultures, negotiations are part of any ongoing business relationship.
  • Conflicts can end when one party defeats the other, surrenders, yields to the other side, or reaches a stalemate or deadlock.
  • Negotiators must know the difference between interests and positions. Understand the difference between what the other side says it needs and what it will settle for.
  • Experienced negotiators package their options by including such variables as when the other party will get the money or reward in question.
  • Effective negotiators listen to what is said and to what is not said.
  • Prompting a showdown between parties can produce positive or “functional conflict.”

Summary

Positive and Negative Conflicts

Conflict is an inherent part of personal relations, and even though it is stressful, it can serve a positive purpose. For example, it can release emotions and frustrations, while opening the door to a wider discussion about common problems. It can expose the parties involved to new perspectives, and invigorate fresh discussions and approaches to problems.

“In negotiations, as in most human interactions, the other side is a partial mystery to us, just as we are a partial mystery to the other side.”

Since conflict can produce positive results, some negotiators actually create conflict. In fact, some people advocate managing conflict instead of resolving it. This may, however, increase the conflict. Many arguments cannot be “managed” because it is so difficult to control human behavior. Conflict arises when parties argue over limited resources, economic hardships, poor communication or perceptions of unequal treatment. Sometimes people become more irritable or aggressive in the face of overcrowding, heat or illness. People respond to conflict several ways:

  • Avoiding it by ignoring it or leaving the scene – For example, a person might leave the house and walk around the block to dodge a family argument.
  • Being abusive or conquering the other party – In business, driving a competitor out of business might resolve the conflict.
  • Acknowledging defeat – Cut the conflict off by surrendering or simply withdrawing.
  • Getting a judge – Litigate, negotiate or arbitrate with the help of an experienced third-party mediator.
  • Going on strike – Use civil disobedience or physical confrontation as a way to resolve the dispute.
“If differences between partners in a conflict are not perceived to be insurmountable, then a new synthesis, a combination of the energies of differing people (synergy) can take place.”

People cope with disagreement five distinct ways: “competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding or accommodating.” Your ability to balance the other party’s concerns with your concerns shapes your conflict style. For instance, an unassertive, uncooperative person might try to avoid conflict, where a cooperative, assertive individual would try to resolve it.

How Conflicts Develop

Conflicts usually develop slowly, often as a result of small disagreements, gossip, sabotage, whining or a physical altercation. These events escalate in a spiral, evolving from circumstances that often go unnoticed until they appear as full-blown public disagreements. As the conflict matures, it goes through certain stages. First, people tolerate the irritants that eventually lead to conflict. Over time, tolerance fades and resistance to the aggravating situation replaces it. In a business, this spiral might begin with gossip, and escalate into actual arguing and public expressions of anger. This sets the stage for a critical incident to develop, such as a physical confrontation or an accident that sparks a public reaction.

“The best way to mismanage conflict is to think that it can always be managed.”

Along the way, the parties in the conflict engage in “selective perception,” focusing primarily on another person’s shortcomings. As the conflict spiral grows, the parties may begin to link related issues or former concerns to the current situation. Such linkages can accelerate the conflict. The use of “hot button” words or phrases, which are emotional sore points, can escalate the conflict into open, heated discussion. The end stages of the spiral involve pushing the other party to respond, either by a physical action such as shoving or jeering, or by being provocative, such as parking in someone else’s spot. Retaliation, which is usually intended to extract revenge, can spark another confrontation, particularly if it is disproportionate. The highest spot on the spiral is overt violence, commonly directed at an opponent, but occasionally self-damaging. For instance, people may destroy their own property to keep the enemy from getting it.

“The essence of all good negotiation is preparation and the essence of all good preparation is research.”

Conflicts can arise in business situations when people work in different departments, at different managerial levels and at different tasks. Experts say that disagreements and misunderstandings about roles and departmental goals can cause conflict even when two departments have good communication. The problem is that the departments’ personnel disagree, and even though their disagreement festers, they never take the additional step of resolving the conflict.

Building Bridges

You can resolve conflicts with several established methods. The method you choose depends on the power balance between the parties, the intensity of the conflict, the goals involved and each party’s willingness to negotiate. To reach a resolution, first account for a few flash points, such as cultural and gender differences. Try to arrange meetings between the aggrieved parties. Determine if one party has a subordinate goal that could be elevated to outweigh the most visible, contentious goals. For example, when the U.S. and U.S.S.R. both realized the destructive power of nuclear weapons, they developed the doctrine of Mutually Assured Destruction. It had been a subordinate goal, but making it a primary goal helped resolve the conflict.

“If we do not want to lose, we need to plan.”

Reciprocity is another power conflict resolution tool. The GRIT approach, which stands for “graduated and reciprocated initiatives in tension reduction,” was developed during the Cold War. It consists of using specific steps to reduce deadlocks without making either party look weak.

Just as some events can escalate the conflict spiral, you can defuse conflicts by working down the spiral with a variety of techniques, from offering simple apologies, to asking forgiveness or praising the other party. Depending on the type of conflict and the issues involved, parties can use a negotiator, make concessions or find solutions, such as identifying new resources if the conflict centers on dividing limited resources. Another technique is to relocate the opponents away from each other, say, in different parts of the office.

“Fail to plan, plan to fail.”

Conflicts end when one party defeats the other, surrenders to the other, or when the parties reach a stalemate. Compromise is another form of resolution. A compromise involves splitting the difference with the other group, but it may not work if one side demands more than the other or if the weaker party insists on a large share of the contested assets.

“Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.” [– John F. Kennedy]

Sometimes encouraging conflict is healthy. Prompting a showdown between parties can produce positive or “functional conflict.” This kind of conflict can encourage better communication and creativity. Organizations may benefit from this approach if they suffer from too many “yes” people, focus on consensus, lack ideas, or have managers who believe in simply perpetuating the illusion of functionality and peace inside the unit.

The Power of Negotiating

Negotiating is a form of bargaining. If you know the basics of negotiations, you’ll use that information often. Negotiation is the watchword when you ask for a raise, when your child asks for a favor or when nations discuss questions about national borders. Conflict is part of modern game theory, complete with winners and losers. A zero-sum game has a winner and a loser. In a positive-sum game, both parties win, and in a negative-sum game, they both lose.

“Splitting the difference can...be lowest-common-denominator decision making.”

A positive-sum outcome happens, for example, when labor negotiators gain a wage concession in exchange for increasing productivity. If this means more profits, each side gains. Negotiators know that to get concessions, they have to make some, too. This is not weakness; it is a necessary part of involving the other party to create a positive outcome. This is especially true in merger negotiations, where you will have to work with the other side’s negotiators after the deal closes.

“Provocation – also known as coat-tailing, winding up or incitement – is deliberately teasing or needling someone, sometimes with a view to evoking a physically violent response.”

People enter negotiations when they believe they can do better resolving a matter on their own than they could do, for instance, in court. They seek an “alternative to a negotiated settlement” or the “best alternative to a negotiated agreement” (BATNA). The “worst alternative to a negotiated settlement” is the result you get when negotiation would have produced a better outcome, at least for one party. This happens, for example, when a union goes on strike even though it does not have money for the workers’ strike fund.

“Always be ready to walk away either as a temporary tactic or to disengage permanently from the process.”

In all negotiations, identify as many strategies and BATNAs as possible. When a party refuses to negotiate, sometimes a third party or a shift in the negotiation’s focus can break the logjam. Research is the key. You need facts to ascertain the opposing party’s character, motives and values. Know what you are willing to sacrifice.

Reaching the Bottom Line

All negotiations are predicated on making concessions. A concession is something of value that you give your counterparty in exchange for something else. The problem is that the other side may not recognize your concession as valuable. Effective negotiators find out what the other side considers valuable and uses it in trading concessions. Try to trade away your cheapest assets.

“Extremists may find it more beneficial to keep conflict going than to end it.”

Good negotiators know the difference between interests and positions, and what the other side says it needs versus what it will settle for in the end. Discover this information by listening and questioning. Location is critical in any negotiation, but the choices present both pros and cons. For instance, if a union negotiation takes place in the employer’s office, it is more difficult for the employer to walk out. If they take place at the union’s offices, an employer might feel obligated.

“One paradox may be that extremists on both sides, in fact, have more in common with each other than with the moderates on their own sides.”

Bargaining depends on each party’s influence. Power can stem from the number of people being represented, but weak opponents often gain the upper hand by using “asymmetrical resistance” tactics, such as delays or walking out. Other tactics that can alter the balance of power include using rewards and disincentives, working to split the unity of the opposing team and involving charismatic personalities, experts or leaders. Additionally you can induce stress in the other party, set deadlines to pressure them and identify which of their constituencies will be affected by the negotiations.

“The wheel of fortune always turns – try not to be under it.”

Inexperienced negotiators often focus on price alone. This is a mistake. Experienced negotiators package their options by including such variables as how and when the other party gets the money or reward it seeks. In labor negotiations, a union may focus just on gaining an hourly pay increase, when benefits, time off or job security easily could be positioned as more valuable than an hourly pay increase alone.

Making Your Case: Basic Negotiating Styles

Negotiating styles can range from coercive to persuasive to gentle or powerful. The Warner style of negotiation ranges along continuums of two variables – energy level and empathy level – to promote, bully, manipulate or suggest certain positions and areas of concessions. Psychologists Joel Aronoff and John Wilson developed a negotiation style model based on 11 personality types. Their model applies to negotiating teams on both sides of the bargaining table. You can use it to identify an individual’s weaknesses, flexibility and rigidity. The model also takes into consideration how people share information, and whether they prefer to work alone or with a team. These factors make up a matrix of four different negotiating styles: revealing, concealing, cooperative or competitive.

Tools of the Trade

Effective negotiators listen to what others say and what they don’t say. They are good at reading nonverbal communication, asking good questions and understanding which issues the other party is avoiding. They are persuasive and they can detect signals that indicate contradictions. For example, the statement: “As it now stands, your offer is ridiculous” could mean the offer will not be considered but “as it now stands” also acknowledges that the offer is still open.

The tactics you can use in a negotiation vary widely, from making gains in small increments to shifting the focus of discussions, using disinformation, overwhelming the other side with details, feigning an action, making grand statements which appeal to the public or even walking out. Whatever you do, however, must be well-planned. Practice by using role-playing and imagining how your opponents would react to certain tactics or offers.

Usually, the final stage in negotiations is reaching agreement. But, in some cases, no agreement is possible. Consider temporarily walking away. This shows that you are not locked into the current offerings. The last stage is to formalize the agreement, preferably in writing. Even when you reach a settlement, view the negotiations as one stage in an ongoing process. In some cultures, negotiations are part of the ongoing relationship.

About the Author

Baden Eunson teaches in the school of English, Communications and Performance Studies at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia. He also runs a training and consultancy business. He is the author of numerous books, including C21: Communicating in the 21st Century.

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Conflict Management

Book Conflict Management

Wiley,
 


3 January 2026

Flight Plan

Recommendation

Many regard Brian Tracy as the paladin of platitudes, but that doesn't mean his message isn't worthwhile. The old verities – Work hard! Think positive! You can achieve anything you put your mind to! – remain eternally valid. That’s why motivational authors like Tracy depend on them so heavily. Such venerable homilies continue to pack a punch. As Abraham Lincoln said, “God must love the common man, he made so many of them.” And, in contrast, author Philip Wylie said, “God must hate the common man, he made them so common.” In the end, everything comes down to personal taste and attitude. BooksInShort believes the acid test for Tracy’s books is: Do they help you? This particular offering warmly and accessibly charts a plan for taking hold of your life by using the metaphor of an airplane flight. See if it helps you take off.

Take-Aways

  • Establish firm goals by writing them down.
  • Examine all of the options available to help you realize your goals.
  • Develop an action plan to reach your targets.
  • Prepare for all contingencies.
  • Take courageous action to move ahead.
  • Expect problems, but do not let them steer you off course.
  • Adjust your “flight plan” as needed.
  • Enhance your skills to get ahead.
  • Put your subconscious mind to work to attain your objectives.
  • Once you are on your journey to self-achievement, do not quit.

Summary

“The Real Secret of Success”

Do you fly often? If so, you may be surprised to learn that whenever you are in the air, various elements constantly blow your plane off course. Indeed, planes remain strictly on course only 1% of the time. Nevertheless, like magic, most planes arrive at their destinations just as scheduled. Your life is like a plane flight. You will be off course more often than not, but you can still reach your destination on time. You can achieve your goals and become the person that you want to be. What you require to accomplish these objectives is your own personal “flight plan.” With it, you can get exactly where you want, even if life constantly blows you off your original path. Want to get started? Every trip begins with a first step. On this journey, you will need to take 12 steps in all. Let the journey begin. The trick is to launch yourself.

Step 1 – “Choose Your Destination”

Most people want the same things from life. They want to feel healthy and fit, and to live a long time. They want to enjoy their jobs and earn nice incomes. They want comforting relationships with others. And they want to become prosperous so money is no longer an issue. Are these also your goals? If so, do you believe you can achieve them? If you have a good attitude, you will feel confident that you can get what you want from life. If you have a bad attitude, you will be sure that you cannot. Which attitude do you think will be the most productive? Become a “glass half-full” person. “Glass half-empty” people get nowhere. Be optimistic that you will get what you want from life. Picture an ideal life for yourself. The ideal partner. The ideal job. The ideal body. The ideal bank account. Note the word is “ideal” – not the word “perfect.” Set goals for yourself that are optimistic and also realistic. Here are four tools to help you conceptualize your ideal future:

  1. “Verbalization” – Write down your goals for an ideal life.
  2. “Visualization” – Picture yourself in the future. You can’t be it if you can’t see it.
  3. “Emotionalization” – Imagine how content and happy you will feel when you achieve your goals. Experience these feelings. Make them real.
  4. “Rationalization” – List the reasons to achieve your goals, along with their benefits.
“Your thoughts create your reality.”

Don’t look ahead just a week or a month. Adopt a long-range view. See yourself in the future. Now, imagine the steps you take today to get where you want to be later.

Step 2 – “Review Your Flight Options”

If you fly from Miami to New York, your plane could stop in Atlanta. It could stop in Memphis, or even in Washington, D.C. No matter where you are going, there are numerous ways to get there. Similarly, you have options to use to attain your goals. If one of your options doesn’t work out, move right on to the next. List all of the options available to help you achieve your goals. For example, if your plan is to become wealthy, you might include these options: Start a new enterprise, purchase an existing business, buy real estate or enter into a lucrative franchise agreement. As you can see, the possibilities are endless. Refer back to your list as you engage your plan to remind yourself that you don’t have to settle for second best. If you don’t accomplish what you want at first, don’t lower your sights. Try a new approach. Is financial prosperity your goal? Then be prepared for what this will entail. The typical millionaire has spent more than 20 years working hard and doing without to attain his or her wealth. Expect to do the same. In life, it is important to be optimistic – but also realistic. And remember: “Hope is not a plan.”

Step 3 – “Write Your Flight Plan”

A goal without a plan is just a wish. A wish is no different really than hoping the tooth fairy will leave five dollars under your pillow. Goals can’t become a reality if you do not have a plan to achieve them. Make your goals not only realistic, but also clear and well thought-out. Flesh them out as much as possible. If your goal is to become prosperous, write down that you will have $500,000 in the bank by the time you are 50. Here are seven important steps for goal setting:

  1. Be highly specific about each of your goals.
  2. Write out each of the goals that you have.
  3. Establish firm deadlines.
  4. List all the roadblocks that may stand in your way.
  5. Write down any new skills you must acquire to attain your goals.
  6. List the people whose help you will need to get what you want.
  7. Develop a step-by-step action plan.
“The future belongs to the risk takers, not the security seekers.”

There is no mystery to succeeding. Your good attitude, clear goals, solid plans and hard work will make it happen. Focus on working toward your most essential goals. Take action today, now, this minute. Don’t wait. Procrastination is your worst enemy.

Step 4 – “Prepare for Your Journey”

Smart travelers always carry a small bag with them when they board an airplane. It holds everything they will need while out of town, for example, extra underwear, shirt, pants and so on. This way, if the airline loses their luggage, they still will be able to function. Are you fully prepared for your new goal-bound journey? You are not if you haven’t planned out all possible outcomes. Napoleon Bonaparte was one of the world’s greatest military strategists. Did Napoleon leave things up to chance? “I believe in bad luck,” he said. “I believe I will always have it, and I plan accordingly.” Approach life like Napoleon handled battle. Plan on bad things happening. Make a checklist of the possibilities. Now, make allowances for each one. Have a backup plan ready if your initial plan does not work out. This way, obstacles will not knock you off your path.

Step 5 – “Take Off at Full Throttle”

Okay, you have chosen your destination. And you have fully mapped out alternative routes to get there. Now it’s time to get on the plane and begin your journey. Unfortunately, this is the step that many people cannot handle. They are afraid to take action. Or they try to take off on their journey at something less than full throttle. This will never work. The pilot cannot get the plane off the runway at half-speed. Similarly, you cannot start your journey if you are not fully committed to it. Besides firm goals, a good plan and a list of options, there is something else you need: courage. Here’s some good news: You can teach yourself to be courageous. Indeed, your first step on your journey (into the unknown) is an act of courage! Be bold: Take that step. Each one after that will become much easier.

Step 6 – “Plan for Turbulence”

For a pilot, turbulence is just part of the job. If every pilot turned his or her plane around at the first sign of turbulence, no one would ever get anywhere by air. Expect turbulence as you journey toward your goals. You cannot do anything about the obstacles that suddenly appear in your path. But you can control how you react to them. Plan in advance to remain calm, no matter what. When you run into an obstacle, think of solutions, not problems. Ask yourself questions to determine what you are up against. Guess what? When you start posing such questions, your mind automatically starts searching for the answers. These will be the solutions to your problems. Another tip: Think of your problems as “situations” or “challenges.” You rise to a challenge, but a problem weighs you down. The way you think about things makes all the difference.

Step 7 – “Make Continual Course Corrections”

So what do you do when you are blown off course? The mark of a great leader is his or her ability to deal in a calm and straightforward manner with crises. Accept the fact that life will continuously test you. Indeed, welcome these tests. People grow when they overcome adversity. Therefore, anticipate emergencies. Napoleon Bonaparte’s army continuously fought its enemies from 1793 to 1815. In nearly every battle, Napoleon proved victorious. How could this be? Napoleon was masterful at planning things in advance. He anticipated every enemy movement and then made allowances for them. Adopt this kind of a mindset. Always be flexible in the face of change. Be willing to admit mistakes. Keep an open mind at all times. Of course, you cannot deal with an emergency if you do not know what you are up against. Line up the facts, and then analyze them. Learn to differentiate between the things you can control and the things you cannot. Focus on the things you can change. And always, no matter what, keep moving ahead.

Step 8 – “Accelerate Your Learning and Progress”

You will realize a fuller and richer life if you enhance your skills. This enables you to increase your ability to earn. How do you do this? Study, read and constantly improve your mind. Attend seminars. Go back to school. Increase your “intellectual assets” – that is, your knowledge, expertise and skills. You will be worth far more as a result. Whatever your job is, make an indispensable contribution at work. This is the surest way to get paid more for what you do. Yes, all this takes time. But time is a constantly diminishing asset. Why not put it to productive use? When it comes to time, you either use it or you lose it.

Step 9 – “Activate Your Superconscious Mind”

Many air travelers may be surprised to learn that when a plane is in the air, the pilots do little of the actual flying. The plane’s super sophisticated avionics system, including the vaunted autopilot, does most of the flying, and continually makes course corrections. Your subconscious mind is your autopilot system. It can do most of the work to help you get where you want to be in life. You just need to give it the opportunity to do so. Write down your goals. Doing so imprints or “programs” this information into your mind’s subconscious. Armed with this targeted information, the subconscious then goes into overdrive, working 24/7, to help you achieve your goals. Start today to tap into this amazing power. Make a “positive affirmation” regarding your goals. This is a “present-tense, positive, personal” declaration of what you plan to achieve. For example, “I will become a millionaire by age 50.” Use your mind’s eye to activate your subconscious powers. Visualize what things will be like when you achieve your goals. Paint a clear picture of this in your mind. Your subconscious is an amazingly potent internal mechanism that can help you achieve your dreams. Activate its vast power today.

Step 10 – “Avoid Shortcuts and Other Mirages”

There is no magical way to fly from Albuquerque to New York City without traversing a good deal of the continental United States. You must put the miles in to get wherever you want to go. Similarly, there are no shortcuts to achieve your goals. Like all good things, your goals come with price tags. You must be ready to pick up the tab for your journey. When it comes to achieving your goals, there are no shortcuts.

Step 11 – “Master Your Fears”

Inertia is your biggest enemy. This is the tendency to remain in place, regardless of how dispiriting such a place may be. Take action to move ahead. Find ways to overcome your fears. Doing so requires courage. Objectively analyze your fears by picking up a piece of paper and writing down these words: “What am I afraid of?” List everything that makes you fearful. Ask yourself three questions about each fear: 1) How does this fear prevent me from attaining my goals? 2) Does this fear provide me with some benefit (for example, by making you work harder to avoid poverty)? 3) How will my life get better if I rid myself of this fear? Find answers to these questions and you “turn fear into power.”

Step 12 – “Persist until You Succeed”

To get where you want to be in life, you must stick to your “flight plan.” Do not let anything deter you from your path. Self-made millionaire Ross Perot says that most people “quit on the one-yard line.” Don’t be a quitter. Keep moving ahead at all costs. Score the touchdown. Win the game.

“Success Is Not an Accident”

To summarize: Write out your goals and your plans to achieve them. Engage your plans through bold action. Expect difficulties and obstacles. Alter your course as necessary, but stay on track. Follow these simple steps and you will achieve your goals.

About the Author

Brian Tracy is an author of popular self-help books that deal with such topics as leadership, sales and business strategy. Brian Tracy also leads seminars on these subjects. He is the founder and chairman of a California-based human-resources company.

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Flight Plan

Book Flight Plan

The Real Secret of Success

Berrett-Koehler,
 


3 January 2026

The Change Cycle

Recommendation

Ann Salerno and Lillie Brock bring good cheer and great advice to a potentially depressing topic. Millions of people face altered lives and circumstances they never imagined possible. They have to change their lives in unexpected ways without preparation. The authors present their six-step “Change Cycle” as a simple, practical way to understand how your emotions work during such shifts and what you need to do to get your life back on track after massive change. Each stage of the process helps you determine what you have to do to master change, and to get to the next stage of adaptation as quickly and constructively as possible. By cheerfully emphasizing the present, and by showing you how to take small, effective steps into the future, Salerno and Brock help you realize that success is possible. They use real life stories to illustrate the ideas and principles they want you to try. BooksInShort thinks this easy-to-read, breezy manual will help those who are dealing with job loss, involuntary job change, mandatory relocation or other traumatic shifts.

Take-Aways

  • Change can come in the form of a new workload, relocation or separation.
  • During big changes, adjust your frame of reference about how the world works.
  • To survive drastic shifts in your life, embrace the six-step cycle of change.
  • Step one is adapting to new realities. Drop any expectations that keep you from moving ahead.
  • Step two is to move away from fear. Instead, base your life on opportunity and hope.
  • Remember that rain falls on everyone; resist clinging to being a victim.
  • Step three is getting motivated. Don’t use worrying about the future as an excuse to do nothing now.
  • Step four is taking action. Movement, even in less than an ideal direction, allows you to change course.
  • Step five is realizing how conquering change benefited you and brought out your best qualities.
  • Step six is integrating change, learning from the journey and sharing its lessons.

Summary

The Only Constant Is Change

Change is a fact of life. Your company probably engages in multiple change initiatives that require you to alter the way you work and to learn new skills. You might be required to move or you might even lose a job you thought was secure. Choosing change is one thing, but having it imposed on you without warning and with no choice can be a difficult, life-wrenching experience. Most people feel anxious when they hear rumors of change, and even more anxious when they confront it. If not managed, this anxiety can spin out of control and become destructive.

“Change comes in all shapes, sizes and intensities...Sometimes it sneaks up on us...sometimes we are lucky enough to choose when and how it happens.”

If you understand and work with the six stages of the “Change Cycle,” you can cope with your anxious thoughts as you go through each stage. Don’t passively accept change that is forced upon you. Address it by understanding and using the change cycle. You can learn techniques and exercises that will help you constructively engage in the change process, and end up stronger, more flexible and more experienced.

“Change Cycle Stage 1: Moving from Loss to Safety”

Sudden – especially big – change can be shocking. Uncertainty causes fear and fills you with a sense of loss. You long for what you once had, and feel that you’ve lost your sense of security and control over your life. Such feelings are common and can occur even when the big change seems positive. If the change is negative, for instance, if you have been fired, you also may lose your feeling of self-worth. With this comes a sense of paralysis and an inability to act. You may feel trapped in a dark cold mist that makes you unable to understand anything beyond emptiness and insecurity. When you try to think clearly, caution impels you to resist making decisions or taking action. This can be healthy because another part of you probably wants to try anything to fix the situation. This stress-induced pressure to act rashly can turn a difficult situation into a disaster. Listen to your instinct to go slow, but don’t get frozen in place. The only way out of these woods is through them. The option of turning back is gone and the sole route to safety is ahead of you. Specifically imagine the worst possible outcome and you will see that it is almost certainly not as bad as your emotions portend.

“Our attitude in change is either the key to a locked door, or a spring that makes an open door slam in our faces. It’s our responsibility to choose well.”

By choosing your direction and ultimate goal, you regain control. Knowing where you are headed helps you recapture a sense of safety. Avoid the tendency to generalize about your current situation. Thinking about what always seems to happen, or harping on why certain people always do this or that, will not help you. Instead, work toward clarity by pinpointing aspects of the nature and magnitude of the change you are experiencing. Identify a specific change you are undergoing and the specific losses you are feeling because of it. Which loss is the most difficult, and why? Then recast all this information into a single, positive statement. This positive emphasis will help you begin your recovery.

“Doubt is the brain’s hard-wired way of slowing us down in an unfamiliar situation so we take time to gather information before acting.”

Don’t try to fix everything by making one sweeping gesture or by pretending that the change will go away on its own. To better manage your anxiety, remember that others in your organization are probably going through the same process. If you listen to them, you might well pick up information that can help you.

“Change Cycle Stage 2: Shifting from Doubt to Reality”

Once the initial shock of change wears off and you begin moving through the woods to someplace new, you will naturally feel angry that you have to deal with all the thorns and mud. You may be furious at your old company, your past boss, and maybe even some co-workers who seem to have come through the situation more quickly and easily than you have. Many people get upset with themselves, which is rarely constructive. Worse, your annoyance may spill over and hurt those who matter to you most, and who are in no way responsible for your current difficulties. In fact, they probably have been doing the most to sustain you.

“Properly managed, anger can be a catalyst.”

You also may feel resistant. Some unexamined, unmanaged emotions may cause you to act in ways that you think will slow down or sabotage the process but that actually make things worse. At this stage, keep a sharp eye on your mental state, emotional energy and actions. Stay as constructive as you possibly can. Just as feeling cautious in the first stage protected you from acting rashly, taking care in the second stage protects you from negative skepticism. If doubt keeps you from acting or trusting in anything, it is undermining you. Dismiss it. You want the skepticism of a detective – check your facts and be as certain as you can of the evidence. Think deductively like the TV detective Columbo rather than pessimistically like Eeyore, the mopey donkey from Winnie the Pooh. By moving from doubt and fear to reality and evidence, you powerfully affect your ability to use your change experience purposefully.

“Change Cycle Stage 3: Going from Discomfort to Motivation”

Even though you are dealing with loss and doubt constructively now, you still have to eradicate your natural feelings of discomfort. You’re anxious, your thoughts jump around in confusion and, even when you’re busy, you aren’t getting much accomplished. Don’t let mental confusion sap your confidence, and don’t linger on thoughts that endlessly loop from blaming others to wishing uselessly that things were different.

“Where anger causes trouble is when we nurse it internally or go external with it in some out-of-control way.”

When you feel anxious, get some rest; stress is exhausting. Do exercise that is appropriate for your physical condition. Lethargy accompanies feeling anxious and down. Examine yourself for signs of distraction, constant worry about the future and an inability to prioritize tasks. Don’t take on big new projects or work endless hours to distract yourself from the change you need to confront. Instead, reframe your thoughts into positive statements. Look only at the next task rather than seeing the future as an endless sea you cannot navigate. Don’t wallow in feeling overwhelmed. Instead, admit that your workload is heavy, prioritize your activities and accomplish each task in order. Eat, rest, exercise and have some fun, too.

“Change Cycle Stage 4: Trekking from Discovery to Perspective”

You are now ready to make positive discoveries about your new situation. Anticipate taking on new tasks and challenges, and seeing what tomorrow will bring. Your new perspective will help you see the resources around you and release you to use them to move through the change cycle successfully. Former dead ends are now potential breakthroughs.

“The change has just given your mental muscles a workout – they’re stronger. Exercise them as often as you can. Maintain their strength.”

Remember how much energy you wasted being anxious, frightened and worried? Use that energy now to act positively and constructively. Where once you were confused and unsure, now you are able to move forward and realize that you can change direction as needed without getting anyone’s permission or feeling like a failure. Life is about movement and choices, even though some choices don’t work.

“A great thinker once said, ‘Confusion is the final step before learning.’ Which is all well and good, but the problem with confusion is it drags down your confidence and with it your energy.”

Changing direction can be very healthy. Your perspective on life is now broader and you have access to more information. Pay attention to how you make decisions and learn about your process with a view to improving it. Emphasize innovation, clear decision making and a sense of integration, both within yourself and in concert with those around you.

“Change Cycle Stage 5: Understanding the Benefits”

When you see the fruits of your hard work, your confidence in your ability to handle change will soar. You might still see the big changes you have made as difficult and even painful, but you can be proud that you picked yourself up and put yourself in a position to enjoy new successes. No matter what life throws at you, your experiences will give you the confidence to manage the challenges that change presents. Your new self-assurance will be obvious to others and their confidence in you will reinforce your own sense of achievement. Think about the value of teamwork and the powerful resources you have in your network of other people.

“If you’re hesitant about making a decision, is it because of what others might think or say? Is it possible you’ve made not-deciding a comfort zone?”

Now, take your thinking to a higher level. You no longer need to manage fear, your thoughts are clear, and you view opportunities and resources with flexibility. Don’t let your thinking become cumbersome by trying to deal with each complexity. Keep your models simple. If you fall into the trap of overthinking, you will move backward in the change cycle. Measure your progress by assessing the productivity of your decisions and actions.

“Once you have clarity about the change, you might be surprised to find that by dealing with the most worrying issue, other concerns tend to diminish.”

You will know that you are back to normal when you are making steady progress, your life isn’t full of ups and downs, and you aren’t working harder just to stay in place. Now, your motivation comes from deep within rather than being driven by external situations. Acknowledge all that you have accomplished and stay on this progressive path rather than losing momentum by rewarding yourself with a break. Don’t be obnoxious and hold yourself up as an example to others. People will see what you have accomplished and learn the lessons they are ready to learn. Provide support, but don’t undermine others’ progress.

“Change Cycle Stage 6: Experiencing Integration”

The change cycle offers some additional benefits. At this stage, you experience a sense of wholeness, of integration, of knowing who you are and why you have changed. Your satisfaction is a powerful indicator that you are close to the cycle’s last, highest stage or that you have achieved it. Your initial sense of loss and confusion is just a memory. You have accomplished so much along the way that you can take pleasure in your increased abilities, in where you are now, and in seeing how your fellow workers also have found ways to succeed. Not only are they not a threat to you, you now have the strength to reach out and help those who are still struggling. Don’t allow destructive feelings of conceit to derail you now.

“Having thought the thought, it’s time to walk the walk. You’re ready to meet job challenges brought about by the change. You’re ready...to dive in.”

When you analyze your thought process, you will see how focused you have become. You are now oriented to reality, able to prioritize and accomplish your objectives. While the end stage of this cycle is not sainthood, you now have the strength to be generous. You have the experience and sensitivity to teach the change cycle to those who are ready to hear about it and make the process work.

“‘Simplicity is the last thing learned.’ The statement is less a judgment on the value of complexity vs. simplicity, and more an observation about the process of understanding.”

Stay flexible. You have not reached a life stage where change will stop occurring. In fact, your life could be torn apart again later this afternoon. But, if you maintain a flexible approach and remember the lessons you have learned, the next change disruption might be painful, but it won’t paralyze you, because now you know how to work through it quickly and efficiently.

“Are you truly seeking further information, or is there something you’d rather not face or do?”

Don’t be like the tourist who goes through the trouble and expense of travelling to an exotic place only to stay inside a hotel that provides all the comforts of home. Get outside and learn from the journey. Look ahead, do your best to figure out what changes might come and prepare your life for them. With preparation, you have a foundation for whatever happens and you can see opportunity where others only see crisis.

The Power of Belief

Many athletes realize their dreams of playing professional sports after changing their positions on the team. Just because you played quarterback in high school doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a receiver in college or the pros. Some college pitchers whose control and power isn’t quite enough to dominate the pros have found success as hitters. Refer to these examples of flexibility to boost your tenacity as you seek your place. By believing in yourself strongly and working ferociously, you can persist long enough to find opportunities that will get you where you want to go.

“It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.” [– John Wooden, legendary basketball coach]

The late, talented actor Christopher Reeve had a marvelous career as a handsome leading man until a horseback-riding accident left him paralyzed. He could easily have given up, but his friends rallied around him and he worked harder than ever. He directed films and gave his life to helping those with similar devastating spinal cord injuries. As he demonstrated, the key to mastering change is to accept the shift in your life, take a new path and believe in your ability to cope with whatever life hands you.

Don’t take it personally, because change happens to everyone. You now understand the change cycle and you know how to transform those natural feelings of loss into new opportunities and accomplishments. What a powerhouse you have become!

About the Authors

Ann Salerno is a trainer, consultant and the author of four books. Lillie Brock is a speaker and facilitator, and co-authored Caring Commitment and Choices. Together they created the Change Cycle Series.

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The Change Cycle

Book The Change Cycle

How People Can Survive and Thrive in Organizational Change

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